I recently met a guy at a conference and he described a lady he was travelling with, incidentally one of the keynote speakers as his partner, then clarifying ‘Life’ partner. Of course, I understood what he meant, at least I thought I did until I ruminated on it. What did he mean? Did he mean partner as in associate, did he mean that they had each tendered their CVs and been selected from a number of applicants. Now, this is not an unusual way to categorise a person with whom you have chosen to spend your life with independent of matrimonial ceremony but this time I found it quite jarring. Maybe it was the clarification. Maybe it was the American accent. It struck me how uncomfortable I am with this word to describe a romantic partner.
For me ‘Partner’ is a business word, it conjures
images of contracts, budgets and plans, which may be part of a stable
relationship but it is sterile, devoid of warmth and emotion. I found myself
searching for a more satisfactory epithet. I was at a loss.
There are plenty of euphemisms for wife; such as ‘My
better half’ or ‘her in-doors’ many are far less flattering as are the labels
for husbands, such as ‘My ole man’. Boyfriend/girlfriend which is not
heterosexual specific are pleasant but feel a little awkward when used by more
mature couples, they remain the domain of teenage apprenticeships in love and
do not tackle the matter of living together and sharing responsibilities. Fiancé
is warm, succinct and French and while it is often used by optimistic couples
who have an dream of being married, it should be used when some form of formal
engagement is in place. It is a pre-cursor of marriage and along with it
carries the religious connotations. Shame, it has all the qualities of a good
candidate but as so many others it already has its meaning well-defined.
I like the word ‘Lover’ it is warm and spicy but it can no
more be disassociated with its synonym of ‘Mistress’ or extra-marital
distraction than ‘Partner’ can from business. ‘Soul-mate’ could be a good
contender, ‘mate’ is used to describe couples in the animal kingdom, which I
see as a positive but when coupled with ‘soul’ it does come across a little
tie-dyed and crystals-under-the-pillow.
We live in a time when romantic models come in so many forms and
society it going a long way to catching up with this but language is dragging
its heels. You may think that this is not an issue but the words are pervasive
and the way we label something affects the way we think about it. Words are a
network of semantics which colour our attitudes. The use of the word ‘Partner’
blurs the lines between love and labour, it is part of the same attitude that
gave us ‘personal branding’ and brings business practises into the home. In an
interview with the writer Jonathan Franzen, I read that he also has issue with
this term but he chooses to call his lady a ‘Spouse equivalent’. I think this
has more to say for his feelings toward convention than the feelings for his
lady.
So, what am I
looking for? A word, preferably a single word that encapsulates intimacy,
sharing and commitment without the endorsement of any ceremonial rite. It needs
to embrace all gender preferences. It could be borrowed from another language,
let’s face it, languages are franchising words from each other all the time and just
as fiancé serves its purpose well, we have moved on and need a secular word
that communicates a simple, natural, mature choice complicated only by the
flaws and frailty that make us human.
